David Fifita
Physics is a funny thing. Week after week, players line up opposite David Fifita and manage to successfully take him down at full speed most of the time, multiple times per game. However if David Fifita ran at me as hard as he could, I’m fairly certain he’d fuckin kill me, and that isn’t hyperbole cunts, like I mean he would literally vapourize several bones and/or organs in my body, and wouldn’t even get put on report for it. They would probably just prosecute whoever left the beige bag of shit and blood in big Fifi’s way. Anyway, the fact that I’m sitting here tripping on my own mortality through the lens of David Fifita after looking at the data for this game should be an indication of just how fucked the Eels are here. Parra have been fucking obliterated by opposition second rowers for 14 tries so far, 5 of them being the opening score in a game. It’s on for all forwards here, make no mistake, but the Bunnies have scored 9 tries through their right edge runner, so we’d have to be dumb as big Dave looks not to get on that. Nobody read that last part to him or I’m fucked ay.
Brian Kelly/The Fox
Tries from outside backs were frighteningly rare against the Bunnies back when they had their full lineup. Since they’re now about 4 reserves deep into their CTWs, the field has started to open up for opposition wingers. As it happens, they have now been scored on by either opposition winger for the last six straight games. They have also given up the first or last try to either side winger five times this year. The Eels wingmen have each scored the first try in a game just once, but they have scored the first try for the Eels more than any other position and it’s not even close. So It’s actually not a bad idea weekly to get on either of these knuckleheads for the first Eels try, just quietly. Anyway, I personally wouldn’t take em for more than one combined, but you can do what you want cunt, it’s just that the Rabbitohs have only given up more than one try to opposition wingers in 3 games this season.
Isaiah Iongi
While the Bunnies have been pretty decent against CTWs, they have been pretty – how the French would say – Le Dogshit, against opposition fullbacks all year. They’ve gifted three last minute tries to them in the 8 that they have conceded as well. Parra’s fullback – Whoever it has been – has scored three times in their last five matches also, including two last tries. Iongi has a fairly decent shot of running one in before tubby time, and he certainly will have earned that spliff.
Latrell Siegwalt/Tallis Duncan
No disrespect to Parra; I have to say I’ve grown quite fond of them over the season, they might have a pretty suss defence, but they at least go out of their way to score some bullshit good tries. That said, these cunts are seriously fuckin yucky against opposition centres. There is no other team in the league who gets routinely and specifically torn to fuckin shreds by them as much as the Eels. 18 fuckin tries, my puntlings, that has been the damage so far. Not only have they been scored on by at least one opposition centre for the last 9 fuckin games in a row, there has only actually been one match this year where one DIDN’T score against them. Go on, do the maths Professor dipshit, I’ll just be over here looking cool as fuck.
Alex Johnston
Yeah, standard. What’s Brian Kelly gonna do, realistically? Just wave his closed fists about with his eyes closed and shout “IF ANYBODY RUNS INTO THESE IT’S THEIR OWN FAULT”? Don’t be shit all ya life Punters, go out there and get that fuckin cheese.